It is prom season again. Many are looking forward to the big night, some may be dreading it, and for a lot of us, prom is merely a distant memory. I think it is primarily those of us long out of high school who romanticize prom and keep it going year after year. It’s such a great plot device we can’t help but include our prom experiences when we relay stories about what life was like when we were teenagers. The amalgamation of all those stories imply that perhaps our teenage life just isn’t complete if we skip prom.
I’m sure this puts a lot of pressure on young people to create a night that is perfect. Like those who overdo Christmas, many young people fall into the trap of thinking they have to spend more than they can afford. Rather than relaxing and enjoying the evening, they squander the happy moment worrying that their gown isn’t glamorous enough or the limousine they rented isn’t quite long enough.
Let’s face it, prom is a disaster for many kids. The love of their life may go with someone else, or they may not find the nerve to ask the person they really want to go with. They may end up drinking too much, or their date may end up drinking too much, or their date may unexpectedly turn into a hellish creature who breaks their heart.
Still, I think prom--with all of its trappings, potential for excess, and all of the possibilities for heartache--is a great tradition. Graduation ceremonies mark the occasion of our entry into adult life, and prom can instill in us the idea that relationships are a serious business and that we must make a special effort to enhance our chances for success. Jeans and t-shirts aren’t good enough for prom. Going to McDonald’s beforehand isn’t good enough. Young people are expected to wear their finest adult clothing. They’re expected to go to a nice adult restaurant. Prom is to be an adult evening out. No more playing around. No more kid’s stuff.
What saddens me is that many if not most LGBT kids are still excluded from this rite of passage. Sure, many go with a friend as I did, but that’s just not the same as going with a real date. It’s true that even if LGBT kids were as free to participate in prom as their straight counterparts, things may not go well for them. Just as with the straight kids, they may not find the nerve to ask the person they really want to go with, or the love of their life may take someone else, or their date may prove to be a psychopath. Those are the chances you take when you go to prom, but even a bad prom night may prove to be more worthwhile than not going or going with a purely platonic friend because a bad prom night can be a learning experience.
Aren’t teens expected to date? Don’t we encouraged them to date? Well, it turns out we don’t really expect much from our LGBT kids. Nor do we provide them with much encouragement. And because LGBT kids are so systematically excluded from rituals like prom, and because these kids receive little to no help from their society in terms of dating, this aspect of teen life is almost completely absent from our community’s collective memory. We tend to go from being clueless kids to adults in the time it takes us to move out of our parents’ homes and into our own apartments or dorm rooms. There generally is no interim period. We aren’t issued a learner’s permit. We don’t get structure or sage advice. We tend to be suddenly thrown into the deep end of the pool. For us, it’s either sink or swim.
I think our community has paid a price for missing out on traditions like prom, and I think it’s high time that our society recognize that some of our sons and daughters aren’t straight, and they, too, need help in learning how to build and maintain relationships. They need to know that they’re important. They need to know that who they end up with is important. They need to know that their parents, teachers, neighbors and ministers support them and want them to be happy.
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