Scott Lively, Homosexuality and Authority v. Empathy

by Gary Cottle

According to Scott Lively, homosexuality is inherently morally wrong, just like murder, adults having sex with children and slavery. And he claims he knows this because he relies on an external authority to tell him it’s wrong. I presume that he’s referring to the Bible and the Christian religion.

Lively seemed to suggest that his authoritarian approach was superior to the approach of a lesbian attorney he once debated who didn’t claim to have any special awareness of a higher authority, but instead relied on her opinions to guide her.

First off, I would like to point out that just because Lively, or anyone of any particular faith, claims that their system of belief is authoritative and reflective of a superhuman understanding of morality, they are still basing their belief on their opinion because they can’t prove that the authority that they claim informs them is real. And they certainly can’t prove that their understanding of this authority is accurate.

But what got my attention is that Lively doesn’t seem to give any kind of weight to the feelings people have for one another. Lively’s ethic is litigious and not based on empathy, which, one could claim, isn’t Christian at all.

I studied philosophy and religion in college, and even though I am far from a professional ethicist, I’ve heard a lot of ideas concerning the basis and genesis of morality. There are lots of lofty thoughts about this subject out there. Beautiful thoughts. Amazing thoughts. And I believe that the study of this subject is worthwhile. But when you get right down to it, I think someone who is totally and completely unchurched and unschooled can be just as moral as anyone else. And on a practical level, when we’re in a particular situation and we’re forced to make snap moral judgments regarding the right course of action, I don’t think it’s often logic or law--either human inspired or supposedly divinely revealed--that informs us. I think we rely on gut instinct and empathy, if we have any, more than we realize. We may rationalize and defend or criticize our actions with a lot of fancy talk after the fact, but when we’re home alone, and someone breaks into the house and we have to decide to either blow the intruder away or try to appeal to the intruder’s humanity, it is mainly our instincts that guide us. We don’t stand there and think about Jeremy Bentham or John Stewart Mill, or Aristotle, or the Old Testament. We just act. And our actions reveal our basic character.

Forget for a moment the religiosity of Christianity or any of it’s supernatural claims. Speaking in anthropological, philosophical and historical terms, Christianity is important in regards to the development of our understanding of morality because it acknowledges and embraces the centrality of empathy in our decision making process. Jesus taught that we should treat our neighbor as we would ourselves. Some Christian theologians have claimed that we should simply forget about the law completely and focus our attention exclusively on this simple commandment. And one doesn’t really need to believe Jesus was the son of God to find merit in this creed. For many, it is a concise articulation of a guiding principle that seems to come to us naturally, even if we stray from it from time to time.

You can either live in fear and paranoia and view other people as your enemies, or you can open your heart to them and feel for them even when they’re flawed. It seems to me that those who have the most empathy, the ones who are quickest to forgive and love and see the goodness in others even when they act badly are the most moral people, regardless of their religion or philosophy.

It also seems to me that those who fear going through live without some kind of external authority informing their actions are often the ones who appear to be the least empathetic. Scott Lively is a case in point. He can thump his Bible all he wants, but it’s obvious to a lot of us that he is allowing his fear and hate guide him, and he rationalizes his hate by calling it his religion. If Scott Lively really is an example of a truly moral man, then God help us.

I don’t wish to advocate violence, but…

by Gary Cottle

Jamey Rodemeyer’s suicide has been weighing on my mind a lot.  I'm sure his death has been weighing on the minds of many people.  And now we have learned that even though Jamey is dead and gone, the bullies who went after him in life are still bullying him in death.

Recently we’ve seen a great outpouring of sympathy for a murderer of a gay boy. Like Jamey, Larry King was bullied for years before he was killed, and he was portrayed as the aggressor in court and in the media when his killer was put on trial simply because he refused to conform to his bullies’ concept of masculinity and he dared stand up to them. Many seem to think that we should let his killer off the hook. They claim he was just a kid and his brain wasn’t fully formed or something. So even though we hold kids accountable for smoking dope, even though we chap their asses if we catch them smoking dope--which seems like a youthful indiscretion to me--killing someone, especially a gay boy, seems to be an excusable offence.

We have Christianists using nefarious means to get the LGBT education act repealed out here in California. We have Christianists claiming that effective anti-bullying programs that address homophobic bullying are a means to recruit and indoctrinate kids into the “gay lifestyle.” We have seen a mother punished for daring to get on board a school bus to tell bullies to leave her son alone.

So what are we to do? They are literally killing our kids, and they’re preventing us from defending them in a nonviolent way. Hopefully things will get better. Hopefully society will change. And I believe it is changing. But obviously it’s not changing fast enough for kids like Jamey. What about them? Are we to allow them to continue to be slaughtered as we wait for gradual and peaceful change?

Many of the kids like Jamey are targeted specifically because they don’t fight back. They aren’t passive by conviction, they are passive by nature. I think this is a beautiful thing. These unexpectedly delicate boys can bring out the best in humanity. They teach us that it is possible to live in this world peacefully. Many want to protect them and champion them. But others see their passivity as a weakness and an opportunity. Rough boys go after the passive ones, and they hound them, make their lives miserable. And although many are careful not to come right out and praise bullying, these rough boys have their champions as well. In the minds of many, bullies are preserving the idea that traditionally masculine, heterosexual men are superior to non heterosexual men and women. And it is unlikely that they’re going to yield to attempts to curb bullying or any school-sponsored denunciation of homophobia.

That leaves boys like Jamey and Larry vulnerable. If we’re going to make school a dog eat dog environment, if we’re going to let teenagers off the hook for cruelty and even murder, then it seems to me that the bullied boys should at least be told that they have just as much license to inflict mental and bodily harm as those who torment them. But it’s not likely that they’ll utilize this license because, as I’ve already pointed out, they are by nature passive. And if one did snap and blow away a young thug, somehow I doubt they would be given a pass or garner as much sympathy as those who target them.

So it seems that we, those of us who were once bullied like Jamey but somehow survived, are left in an impossible situation. Our hands are tied behind our backs as we watch our heirs suffering and dying. We wait in sorrow for our society to recognize our worth and to decide to protect and nurture us when we’re young. We wait for those who claim the mantle of righteousness to rise to the level of their victims. We wait for parents, school teachers, ministers and politicians to let go of their prejudices and stand up against bullying rather than subtly and not so subtly encouraging it. We wait, but some of us are growing weary of waiting.

Fundamentalism Is Fake

by Gary Cottle

I suppose that a lot can be said about spirituality. An untold number of books have been written about it. Whole libraries could be devoted to this single subject. And if you stood on a street corner and asked passersby what they thought the definition of spirituality is, you’d likely get a lot of different responses. So I’m not sure that any simple and concise definition is sufficient, but basically, I think, spirituality is about the awareness of a power at work in the universe that somehow escapes our physical senses.

Once an individual becomes aware of this power, this underlying presence that is not readily apparent, then the individual may be driven to ask a certain question: is there any validity to this awareness, am I actually detecting something that has a reality that is independent of my individual experience, or am I manufacturing the experience on some level, even unconsciously? Since the nature of that which is being experienced is by definition outside the realm of observable and measurable phenomena, then the validity of the experience can not be proven. I think this is where faith comes in. Will the individual chalk up the experience to a personal fluke? Or will the individual decide to believe in the experience?

Organized religion can be a means of exploring one's experience of the spiritual, find ways of talking about that experience, and have one’s faith in the experience bolstered by others who claim to have experienced something similar.

Since it is not possible to prove the validity of spiritual experiences, one would think that those who have had the experiences would remain humble. And of course, many do remain humble. Even many of those who choose to utilize organized religion to express their faith remain humble. But there are many who do not. They get bogged down in dogma, and they demand that they understand their experience in absolute terms, and rather than admitting to any doubt, they show a willingness to demand that others accept as true what they can not prove.

Fundamentalist Christians insist that they have a failsafe formula for determining the absolute truth of their faith. They claim that interpreting the Bible in literal terms is the only way of knowing their god. They claim that nothing of themselves exists in their interpretations. They insist that it’s all matter of fact and straight forward. But is it?

I find it odd that if the fundamentalist god were real, and if this god actually intended to punish us for eternity for failing to understand the godly message, the fundamentalist god would choose to communicate with us through an ancient, long, meandering anthology that can be and has been interpreted in a number of ways, even by fundamentalists.

The most pernicious aspect of fundamentalism, I believe, is this idea that literalism provides fundamentalists a means of expressing their faith in concrete terms. There is no mystery. There is no doubt. It’s all presented as cut and dry. This seems insane to me. Most of us are staggeringly ignorant of a great many things. Some of us don’t understand the lunar cycle. Some of us don’t understand how the TV works. Some of us couldn’t fix the toilet if our lives depended on it. And there are those among us who insist that not only do they know for a fact that their god is real, but they demand that they know in absolute terns what this god thinks and wants.

I think it’s interesting that modern fundamentalists focus so much of their attention on abortion and homosexuality. Isn’t it odd that a religion that is supposedly based on the precept that their god is love and that the most essential aspect of their morality is treating one’s neighbor as one’s self could be boiled down to an intense disgust of abortion and homosexuality?

What do you suppose links these two concerns? It has been well documented that the lack of reproductive freedom relegates women to second-class citizenship. It helps keep them poor and dependent. And the revulsion of homosexuality means that heterosexual men will be revered. So it seems fundamentalism heavily favors patriarchy.

Call me a skeptic, but I suspect that fundamentalism has little to do with spirituality. I think it’s a means to allow fundamentalists to gain a superior status in our society, protect that status, and attack anyone who might pose a threat to their status. And I think it’s a way for fundamentalists to fool themselves into believing that they are good, decent people while acting out in an extremely selfish way.

The Next Big Front in the Gay Liberation Movement: LGBT Kids

by Gary Cottle

After ignoring LGBT youth for decades, adult members of our community are starting to turn their attention to the plight of our young. Most of us have painful childhood memories, and many of us are loath to stir them up, and that’s understandable. If we want to keep running once we get past our teen years, who can blame us? All of that fear and confusion, bullying and rejection… Who would want to dwell on all of that for very long? The only trouble is that there are always members of our tribe stuck back there in adolescence and young adulthood, and many of them are going through hell. Some of them won’t survive, and many of them who do will join the legions of our walking wounded.

I think for the longest time our community believed that if we worked toward legal parity and if we came out, and thus dispelled all those odious myths about our kind, and if we continued to challenge homophobic assumptions, our success in creating a more accepting and tolerant society would filter down to our kids. This seems reasonable, and in many respects things may be easier now for a select few young members of our community. But in the past year we have become keenly aware of the alarming suicide rate among our youth. And the stories of some of the individuals who have died have brought an ugly fact into sharp focus; many LGBT kids are being ruthlessly bullied, and some are being bullied to death. It may be true that some gay kids have benefited from our more open and accepting society, some may be reaping the rewards of the Gay Rights Movement, but it seems that things might actually be worse for many LGBT kids.

I suspect the cause for this is rooted in the fact that it is harder for young LGBTs to hide now. Being more open and visible has made straight people more aware of us. Gays are no longer that strange group of sex freaks who live in San Francisco or New York. It is now common knowledge that LGBTs are all over. Everyone knows that you’ll find us in nearly every family, every small town, every school, and every church. In nearly every place where there is more than a few human beings, you will most likely find a member of our tribe. Twenty, twenty-five years ago, those who lived in rural and suburban areas were, to a large degree, ignorant of the LGBTs living in their midst. Being a member of the gay community back when I was in college was like belonging to a secret society. But now that many of us have come out, and now that many of us have chosen to live in smaller towns rather than escaping to the gay Meccas, our secret is out.

It used to be easier for young people to deny they were gay. But now if kids are in any way different, they’re not just going to be labeled queer, many of their peers are going to assume that the label is accurate. Online social media may amplify the bullying, too. The internet may be a great place for likeminded individuals to form virtual communities, but sites like Facebook can be gossip mills for teens. And the medium can be a place where bullies can signal to their classmates that certain individuals are fair game.

The Christianist hate campaign has more than likely influenced the attitudes of the young, too. How could our kids miss all the hostility directed toward LGBTs by those who claim to be moral and Godly? How could it not send a signal to them that our tribe is not worthy of respect? The Christianists have even begun to overtly train their kids not to respect their LGBT classmates. The kids are being targeted by so-called “ex-gay” ministries and organizations like Focus on the Family. And parents are regularly misinformed about LGBT issues by members of the Christianist hate machine.

Knowing that our youth is on the frontlines of the culture war, and becoming more keenly aware that many of them are dying, has galvanized our tribe. Many have become vocal advocates for our youth. Many are working hard to get schools to recognize their LGBT students. Many are demanding that our schools implement effective anti-bullying programs. Many are trying to convince school boards and legislatures that students need to learn about LGBT issues and about historic and notable members of our community. And we have learned that we can reach out and give encouragement to LGBT youth via social media. For the longest time many adult members of our tribe were reluctant, even afraid to talk to an LGBT young person because of the myth perpetuated to this day by Christianists that LGBTs are pedophiles and that we want to seduce kids into our fabled “lifestyle.” Finally this lie has lost enough of its strength to give many of us enough backbone to talk to young people who may need our help.

So we’re now talking to LGBT youth, mainly about bullying. We’re giving them pep talks about getting through these tough years. And we’re starting to dialogue with school teachers and administrators about the needs of the LGBT youth in their charge. But there is one group of people that we’re still ignoring: parents. Parents are supposed to be their childrens’ number one cheerleader. They’re supposed to offer support. They’re supposed to offer guidance. They’re supposed to impart wisdom. But way too many kids feel the need to simply tune their parents out once they reach a certain age. And since so many of us who survived our childhoods remember tuning out our own parents, we may not be consciously aware that we’re viewing this as an acceptable and expected reality when it shouldn’t be.

That five or six year journey from childhood to adulthood is difficult to navigate, and many kids, gay and straight alike, don’t get the support and guidance they need. Some parents may not care enough, others are too caught up in their own lives, some are put off by their kids’ willfulness, some are embarrassed, and some just can’t accept the fact that their kid isn’t nine years old anymore. It’s a shame when any teenager can’t rely on their parents to help them figure out how to be an adult in this world, so generally speaking, parents need to be encouraged to address the specific needs of their teenagers. But we need to face the fact that parental neglect is disproportionately affecting LGBT youth. How many LGBT adults do you know who have claimed they had an open and nurturing relationship with their parents when they were teenagers? How many members of our tribe were able to talk openly to their parents about sex, crushes, relationships, broken hearts, loneliness and the agony of unfulfilled longing? How many of us were able to talk freely about our feelings and experiences with our parents when we were young? In many cases, even liberal parents aren’t very helpful. They seem to take the attitude that “we don’t know how to be gay, so what can we do?” Maybe they don’t know how to be gay, but for their kids' sake, they need to find out.

I know a lot of people manage to squeak by and survive. Some may even flourish. But our community is paying a price for going without parental support during those crucial years. That’s when we develop our sense of self-worth, that’s when we learn social and dating skills, and it’s when we develop our attitude toward sex. Going without guidance and support during these years results in many of us not being prepared for adult life, and this can lead to a lot of pain and suffering that could otherwise be avoided.

Christianists are often pointing to drug use and higher rates of HIV among our community as proof that we are, as a general rule, reckless and licentious. Well, it is true that many of the ills that plague us are avoidable. And perhaps the LGBT community could do more to teach our young adults to party and engage in adult activity more safely and more responsibly. But I don’t think we’re ever going to get those suicide rates, depression rates, drug abuse rates and HIV rates down significantly until we get parents involved. Telling twenty-year olds about the proper use of a condom is all well and good. Telling twenty-year-olds about how they need to value their own lives and look for loving and caring mates is all well and good. Telling twenty-year-olds about how to be a loving and caring mate is all well and good. But the time to start telling young people about this stuff is when they’re 12, 13 and 14 years old. It needs to be engrained by the time they start jumping into the deep end. Kids who have been neglected during their teen years are likely to have the mentality of thirteen-year-olds when they start going out to clubs and having sex. LGBT adults who have went through all of this might be able to help a little by way of social media, by just being open and serving as role models, and by mentoring whenever possible, but we can not, by and large, raise LGBT youth. So we need parents to step up.

I don’t know how we can get parents to be more responsive to the needs of their LGBT kids. I’m just pointing out that there is a profound deficit here, and the cost we’re paying is huge. LGBT youth need parents they can count on just as much as any other teenager. There really is no substitute. And until we figure out how to solve this, young members of our tribe are going to continue to suffer. We may be opening ourselves up to more charges of indoctrination if we start pushing parents to train their LGBT kids to be healthy and happy LGBT adults, but we need to stand up to that bullying. I think most of us know that our kids need their parents to be understanding and supportive. I think most of us instinctively know that parental neglect of LGBT youth is widespread and serious. I think most of us instinctively know that the depression, suicide rates, drug abuse and HIV rates are linked to parental neglect and lack of understanding. So it’s time to start exploring how we can reach out and educate parents even if it does mean yet more nasty catcalls from Christianists. We can’t let them deter us. By attempting to block effective anti-bullying programs and the like, they have already proven that they simply don’t care about the safety of our youth. They want to push us back into the closet even if it means more of our young people will die. We can’t be afraid of the names these people may call us or of the vile suggestions they’ll make. Who, besides us, can LGBT youth rely on to tell their parents what they need to know to be supportive of them?

The Right Moment

I discovered a few years ago that a number of people had objected to the preferential treatment given to whites on city buses prior to the advent of the modern Civil Rights Movement. Several had refused to sit in the back or refused to give up their seat. But then Rosa Parks did it, and that got a lot of people’s attention, got a lot of people thinking. As a result, we honor Rosa Parks and remember her.

The ancient Greeks had two words for time. “Chronos” was the mundane, ordinary word, and our word “chronology” is derived from it. “Kairos”, on the other hand, was a special moment in time, the right moment. Rosa Parks hit upon the right moment. But would she have if those who went before her, the ones that history has largely ignored and forgotten, had not made their stand? Didn’t they help create that special moment?

Obviously there has only been a few special moments in the history of our movement. Stonewall was a very special moment. But before that came the mostly forgotten Black Cat Tavern riot.

In the last few years we’ve seen glitter bombs, kiss-ins, demonstrations, counter demonstrations and marches. Out of all of those, maybe we’ll remember Constance McMillen for refusing to accept no as an answer when she asked to take her girlfriend to prom. Maybe we’ll remember Lt. Dan Choi chaining himself to the fence in front of the White House to protest DADT. McMillen and Choi are certainly worth remembering. But I think it’s important to keep in mind that even though there is an element of spontaneity in these events, they didn’t occur in a vacuum. There was a crescendo before the cacophony.
I think people are often too quick to be critical of those who fail to strike the right note at the right time. None of us really knows what is going to make headlines no matter how levelheaded we are or how carefully we plan our protest. And we often fail to pay due respect to all the stories on the back pages that lead to the really big ones that get all the attention.

Dear Son

by Gary Cottle


(This letter contains thoughts and information I would like to share with my gay son, that is if I had a gay son. It’s the type of letter I wish my dad had given to me when I was a teenager.)

I know that the adults in your life have an annoying habit of talking to you as if you were still a child. They avoid certain topics, and they like to pretend that you’re still unaware of certain things. That is mainly for their benefit, not yours. If pressed, they’d claim that they’re protecting your innocence, but that’s not really true. They don’t know quite how to deal with the fact that the little boy they’ve known for so many years has changed. They want to go on treating you like a kid because that’s what they’re used to, and they’re likely to continue until you demand that they stop. The thoughts of talking to you about sex and other grownup stuff embarrasses them. But I was your age once, and I remember just how far from innocent boys your age tend to be. I know that even though you’re quiet and reserved, you’re around other boys every day who say things that would make a sailor blush. Never in my life have I heard so much talk about pussies, and dicks, and fucking, and cum eating, and people going down on each other and eating each other out than when I was in the eight grade. And I know that your generation has the internet. I know you’ve probably seen some really graphic stuff either at home or at a friend’s house. I was looking at porn magazines when I was your age, and if I had a computer back then, you probably couldn’t have pried me away from it. So let’s just cut the horseshit. I know what it’s like to be your age, Son. I know. And I want you to know that I’m not offended. I’m not hurt. It doesn’t bother me that you’re growing up. And your earthy thoughts and the vulgar, crass things that you might talk about with your friends… I don’t judge you for those things, Son. I don’t think that you’re a bad boy. I’m not ashamed of you for thinking about sex, or talking about it, or wanting to see graphic pictures of it or for whacking off. Just don’t rub yourself raw or do it in front of anyone who would be offended.

And, Son, this is really important, it’s okay with me that you want to do it with guys. You hear me? I’m not just saying that because it’s politically correct these days. I really am okay with that. I don’t think it’s dirty, or nasty or strange. And I don’t think it’s a sin either. I know you hear a lot of people claim that it is, but what the hell do they know? No one knows for sure if God is even real, much less what that God thinks. It’s all just opinion.

People have a lot of ideas about what it means to be a man, and they throw those ideas around as if they were engraved in stone. Not only do they tell us guys that we’re only allowed to like girls, but they try to stop us from doing a whole lot of other things besides. Don’t you listen to them, Son. You get to decide what kind of man you want to be. It’s your life, and I want you to develop your interests according to what makes you happy and what you feel passionate about. If you want to play ball with the boys, then fine. And if you want to sing, or dance, or cook then that’s fine, too. It’s okay if you want to wear pink or blue. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re less of a man because of the choices you’ve made, or how you carry yourself or how you express yourself. You’re my son, and I love you, and I’m proud of you…no matter what.

There’s going to come a time when you want to do more than just think about boys. Maybe that time has already come, I don’t know. So I want you to know that there’s more to being with a boy than just having sex. You may not realize this now, but the most important thing about having a relationship is the closeness, the bond, the trust. Having a boyfriend is like having a very special friend. You need to look for someone you feel strongly connected to. And you need to look for someone who will give you affection. I know you think a lot about sex, and that’s fine, but believe me, you need affection even more. I also know that a lot of people would have you believe that affection is sissy stuff and real men aren’t interested. That’s bullshit. You need to be held. You need to be cuddled. You need to be kissed. And you’ve got to return that affection, too. If you want a special friend, then you’ve got to be willing to be a special friend. Put your heart into it, Son, no matter if it’s just for one night, or for a week, a month, a year or for the rest of your life. As the song says, love the one you’re with.

If you’re not already crushing on a guy you know, there will come a time when you will, and you may be worried that you won’t measure up or you won’t be good enough, cute enough, or cool enough. Don’t sell yourself short, Son. You can’t make another person like you, and it might be hard to find someone, but remember that you’re just as good as anybody else on this planet. There isn’t a single person alive who's too good for you.

I know that there are times when you’re pretty hard on yourself. You may look in the mirror and wonder if anybody will ever be interested. I assure you there will be guys who will look your way. There are probably already guys out there who find you attractive, and as you mature, more guys will notice you. There will even come a time when adult men and women notice you, maybe even someone you’ve known since you were young. And at some point, someone is going to say something to you that’s going to make you feel like you’re the most desirable creature to ever walk the earth, and you’re going to be so flattered. You’re going to be so excited that someone you like likes you back. But before you turn into a hopelessly lovesick puppy dog willing to do whatever is asked of you, just remember that the woods are full of wolves, hungry wolves, and you’ve got to make sure that you’re not falling victim to a wolf. You’re going to meet guys who are interested in using you for sex and then moving onto their next catch. Don’t give the keys to the store to a guy unless he sees you as a real person and not just a sex object.

There may come a time when you’re more confident, and you may learn that you have the ability to flatter some sweet young thing who has been dying for a nice looking guy to pay some attention to him. Don’t take advantage of that, Son. It might be tempting, but don’t go there. You can have your fun without hurting anyone. You need to demand that your partners respect you, and you’ve got to give respect in return. Love the one you’re with, remember that. Love, not use. I don’t mean that you have to marry the guy. Just care about him, and make sure he cares about you.

As I’ve already told you, it’s okay with me that you’re growing up, but I have to admit that I worry about you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to get your heart broken. And I don’t want you to catch a disease. But I knew from the moment you came into this world you couldn’t be my little boy forever. And I know that I can’t be with you twenty-four hours a day. When the time comes when you decide that you want to do something with a guy, I’m not going to be there. Maybe you’ve already done some things with one or more of your friends. I realize that. I won’t ask you to tell me everything, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, and I really do mean that. But regardless of how much you want me to know about what you get up to when I’m not around, I want you to keep a few things in mind. For instance, anal sex can be painful if you don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t just stick it in. That would hurt. And semen stings if you get it in your eye. There are some things like that that you may not have picked up on from the talk you’ve heard or the porn you’ve seen. If you don’t want to talk to me about stuff like that, then at least read up on the subject. I’ll give you some books, and I’ll try to find some internet links that will provide some useful information about sex and relationships.

The number one thing I want you to keep in mind is that you can’t let a guy put his penis inside your bottom unless he’s wearing a comdom. I insist on this. And I don’t want you topping another guy unless you’re wearing a condom. I’ll even buy them for you if necessary, but when and if you decide you’re ready to do that with a guy, use a condom. Those diseases they told you about in health class, they’re real, and you can catch something dreadful your very first time at bat if you’re not careful, so be careful. Please protect yourself. Please care enough about yourself to protect yourself.

Son, I respect your privacy. I really don’t have a choice. I can’t force you to reveal all of your secrets. But I hope you know that you can talk to me. I want to help you figure all of this stuff out as best I can. I love you, Son. I think you’re becoming a fine man. I think any guy would be very lucky to be with you. I want you to love and be loved. I want you to like yourself, respect yourself and take care of yourself. I want you to be happy. Be happy, my beautiful boy, and know that I’ll always care about you.

Dad
　

The Huffington Post has published a controversial article about gay prostitution.

Sex For Tuition: Gay Male College Students Using ‘Sugar Daddies' To Pay Off Loan Debt

GLAAD objects to this piece, and they have started a petition.

Tell Huffington Post To Stop Masquerading Anti-Gay Stereotypes As Journalism

______________________

Some of my thoughts on the subject:

Oddly enough, I had just finished watching a film adaptation of Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome when I read this article and GLAAD’s reaction to it. Like many of Wharton’s works, Ethan Frome deals with the fact that people are often torn between doing their duty, doing what is expected of them, and following their hearts. But unlike most of Wharton’s other stories, the characters in this one are working class, so there is also the added burden of doing what one has to do in order to survive.

I think that there is something sad and disheartening about the fact that so many have to do things they don’t want to do for someone better off than themselves in order to earn money. All of my life I have watched the spirit drain out of people who have to engage in work day in and day out that they fundamentally find distasteful or unsatisfying. Of course work is a part of life, but it would be nice if our labor provided us with more than a paycheck. Those who can’t take pride in their work, those who don’t feel like they’re providing something useful to their community, for those who are just doing it--working 40, 50, or 60 hours a week--for the paycheck, are living in a kind of hell, I think. They are spending the greater part of their lives engaging in an activity that goes against their grain. That has to have an effect. But this is the way the world operates, so I don’t think it’s surprising that some would trade sex for money, especially if other forms of work are hard to find. I also think that it’s important to note that people have been taking money into account when selecting a mate forever. Even the characters in Wharton’s works that focus on the wealthy are concerned with maintaining standards of living and status, and many of the characters aren’t above marrying for money rather than love. You see this in Jane Austin’s novels, too, and many other works of literature. This is a subtle, more understated form of prostitution in my view.

If what the author claims in this article is true, if a significant increase in the number of young men and women are turning to prostitution in order to pay for college tuition, then that is surely a sign of how serious our economic crisis is. (Not to mention the ever widening gap between the rich and poor.) But the author claims that many of these young men and women are engaged in prostitution because they want to go to overpriced schools, live in overpriced apartments, and buy overpriced clothing. And the author claims that many of these young people come from middle class and upper middle class backgrounds. That suggests that some are not really doing this out of desperation, and that’s surprising. When you have people who are willing to prostitute themselves not out of necessity but for trumpery, then, I think, that says something about how out of control capitalism has gotten. The “little people” have always had to toil for “the man” in order to get by, but when they start giving much more of themselves than what is necessary so they can buy things they don’t really need--like $500 shoes--then perhaps our culture is veering way too far in the direction of materialism.

The article raises some important issues and gives much food for thought, but I can see why GLAAD objects to this piece. It is not wholly without merit, and I don’t think the author’s intent was to be homophobic or to advance homophobic attitudes. But several troublesome remarks were presented without qualification. For instance, that awful term “the gay lifestyle” makes an appearance in the article, and it is used in a way that gives the impression it is common for gay men to live extravagantly. Some gay men might live extravagantly, and those men may get a lot of attention, but by no means do all gay men live in a Manhattan loft, buy designer cloths and eat in fancy restaurants. And not all young gay men insist on going to expensive private schools either. It was also suggested that in the gay community, your only value comes from either your looks or your bank account. Again, that stereotypical idea was presented without qualification, and there was no mention of gay guys living in rural America who work at Home Depot. There was no mention of the gay guys out there who know that there’s more to life than money and a pretty face.

The author also suggested that gay men are more accepting of prostitution. I think it’s probably true that men in general, not just gay men, have a more relaxed attitude toward prostitution. And having been on the receiving end of harsh moral condemnation, gay men may be less likely to dole it out. They may very well be more accepting of young men who prostitute themselves. I don’t know. I’ve not taken a survey or anything. But I would find it hard to believe that an inordinate amount of gay men would think that it’s okay if a young man feels the need to prostitute himself in order to pay for college.