(This letter contains thoughts and information I would like to share with my gay son, that is if I had a gay son. It’s the type of letter I wish my dad had given to me when I was a teenager.)
I know that the adults in your life have an annoying habit of talking to you as if you were still a child. They avoid certain topics, and they like to pretend that you’re still unaware of certain things. That is mainly for their benefit, not yours. If pressed, they’d claim that they’re protecting your innocence, but that’s not really true. They don’t know quite how to deal with the fact that the little boy they’ve known for so many years has changed. They want to go on treating you like a kid because that’s what they’re used to, and they’re likely to continue until you demand that they stop. The thoughts of talking to you about sex and other grownup stuff embarrasses them. But I was your age once, and I remember just how far from innocent boys your age tend to be. I know that even though you’re quiet and reserved, you’re around other boys every day who say things that would make a sailor blush. Never in my life have I heard so much talk about pussies, and dicks, and fucking, and cum eating, and people going down on each other and eating each other out than when I was in the eight grade. And I know that your generation has the internet. I know you’ve probably seen some really graphic stuff either at home or at a friend’s house. I was looking at porn magazines when I was your age, and if I had a computer back then, you probably couldn’t have pried me away from it. So let’s just cut the horseshit. I know what it’s like to be your age, Son. I know. And I want you to know that I’m not offended. I’m not hurt. It doesn’t bother me that you’re growing up. And your earthy thoughts and the vulgar, crass things that you might talk about with your friends… I don’t judge you for those things, Son. I don’t think that you’re a bad boy. I’m not ashamed of you for thinking about sex, or talking about it, or wanting to see graphic pictures of it or for whacking off. Just don’t rub yourself raw or do it in front of anyone who would be offended.
And, Son, this is really important, it’s okay with me that you want to do it with guys. You hear me? I’m not just saying that because it’s politically correct these days. I really am okay with that. I don’t think it’s dirty, or nasty or strange. And I don’t think it’s a sin either. I know you hear a lot of people claim that it is, but what the hell do they know? No one knows for sure if God is even real, much less what that God thinks. It’s all just opinion.
People have a lot of ideas about what it means to be a man, and they throw those ideas around as if they were engraved in stone. Not only do they tell us guys that we’re only allowed to like girls, but they try to stop us from doing a whole lot of other things besides. Don’t you listen to them, Son. You get to decide what kind of man you want to be. It’s your life, and I want you to develop your interests according to what makes you happy and what you feel passionate about. If you want to play ball with the boys, then fine. And if you want to sing, or dance, or cook then that’s fine, too. It’s okay if you want to wear pink or blue. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re less of a man because of the choices you’ve made, or how you carry yourself or how you express yourself. You’re my son, and I love you, and I’m proud of you…no matter what.
There’s going to come a time when you want to do more than just think about boys. Maybe that time has already come, I don’t know. So I want you to know that there’s more to being with a boy than just having sex. You may not realize this now, but the most important thing about having a relationship is the closeness, the bond, the trust. Having a boyfriend is like having a very special friend. You need to look for someone you feel strongly connected to. And you need to look for someone who will give you affection. I know you think a lot about sex, and that’s fine, but believe me, you need affection even more. I also know that a lot of people would have you believe that affection is sissy stuff and real men aren’t interested. That’s bullshit. You need to be held. You need to be cuddled. You need to be kissed. And you’ve got to return that affection, too. If you want a special friend, then you’ve got to be willing to be a special friend. Put your heart into it, Son, no matter if it’s just for one night, or for a week, a month, a year or for the rest of your life. As the song says, love the one you’re with.
If you’re not already crushing on a guy you know, there will come a time when you will, and you may be worried that you won’t measure up or you won’t be good enough, cute enough, or cool enough. Don’t sell yourself short, Son. You can’t make another person like you, and it might be hard to find someone, but remember that you’re just as good as anybody else on this planet. There isn’t a single person alive who's too good for you.
I know that there are times when you’re pretty hard on yourself. You may look in the mirror and wonder if anybody will ever be interested. I assure you there will be guys who will look your way. There are probably already guys out there who find you attractive, and as you mature, more guys will notice you. There will even come a time when adult men and women notice you, maybe even someone you’ve known since you were young. And at some point, someone is going to say something to you that’s going to make you feel like you’re the most desirable creature to ever walk the earth, and you’re going to be so flattered. You’re going to be so excited that someone you like likes you back. But before you turn into a hopelessly lovesick puppy dog willing to do whatever is asked of you, just remember that the woods are full of wolves, hungry wolves, and you’ve got to make sure that you’re not falling victim to a wolf. You’re going to meet guys who are interested in using you for sex and then moving onto their next catch. Don’t give the keys to the store to a guy unless he sees you as a real person and not just a sex object.
There may come a time when you’re more confident, and you may learn that you have the ability to flatter some sweet young thing who has been dying for a nice looking guy to pay some attention to him. Don’t take advantage of that, Son. It might be tempting, but don’t go there. You can have your fun without hurting anyone. You need to demand that your partners respect you, and you’ve got to give respect in return. Love the one you’re with, remember that. Love, not use. I don’t mean that you have to marry the guy. Just care about him, and make sure he cares about you.
As I’ve already told you, it’s okay with me that you’re growing up, but I have to admit that I worry about you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to get your heart broken. And I don’t want you to catch a disease. But I knew from the moment you came into this world you couldn’t be my little boy forever. And I know that I can’t be with you twenty-four hours a day. When the time comes when you decide that you want to do something with a guy, I’m not going to be there. Maybe you’ve already done some things with one or more of your friends. I realize that. I won’t ask you to tell me everything, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, and I really do mean that. But regardless of how much you want me to know about what you get up to when I’m not around, I want you to keep a few things in mind. For instance, anal sex can be painful if you don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t just stick it in. That would hurt. And semen stings if you get it in your eye. There are some things like that that you may not have picked up on from the talk you’ve heard or the porn you’ve seen. If you don’t want to talk to me about stuff like that, then at least read up on the subject. I’ll give you some books, and I’ll try to find some internet links that will provide some useful information about sex and relationships.
The number one thing I want you to keep in mind is that you can’t let a guy put his penis inside your bottom unless he’s wearing a comdom. I insist on this. And I don’t want you topping another guy unless you’re wearing a condom. I’ll even buy them for you if necessary, but when and if you decide you’re ready to do that with a guy, use a condom. Those diseases they told you about in health class, they’re real, and you can catch something dreadful your very first time at bat if you’re not careful, so be careful. Please protect yourself. Please care enough about yourself to protect yourself.
Son, I respect your privacy. I really don’t have a choice. I can’t force you to reveal all of your secrets. But I hope you know that you can talk to me. I want to help you figure all of this stuff out as best I can. I love you, Son. I think you’re becoming a fine man. I think any guy would be very lucky to be with you. I want you to love and be loved. I want you to like yourself, respect yourself and take care of yourself. I want you to be happy. Be happy, my beautiful boy, and know that I’ll always care about you.
Dad
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