I came across “20 Things a Mother Should Tell Her Son” the other day, and although I think it’s well intentioned, I couldn’t help but notice that it is heterosexist and strongly reinforces the gender binary. So I wanted to add my two cents.
20 Things a Mother Should Tell Her Son
1. Play a sport. It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time and stay out of trouble. And maybe even throw or catch.
[Not all boys are athletic. I wasn’t. And I was made to feel ashamed. I was led to believe that my masculinity, my very right to think of myself and call myself a boy depended on liking sports. I’m also wondering why this would be something a mother would say specifically to her son. Don’t we all need exercise? Can’t you get exercise without engaging in competitive sports? And just for the record, authority should not always be respected. When I was growing up, my parents were certifiable, and the society I lived in taught me that I was a piece of shit that no one should care about. If I had respected authority, I would not have survived.]
2. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship, so don't take something away from her that you can't give back.
[The assumption here is that the son will have an exclusive sexual interest in girls. Of course I realize that most boys past puberty are going to be strongly attracted to girls. But some of them aren’t. Some are gay. Others are bi. And I remember reading a study a few months ago that found up to one in ten men who identify as heterosexual occasionally have sex with other men. Maybe they included straight men who masturbate together while watching porn, I don’t know, but that’s still a sexual relationship of sorts. And why is it assumed that men set the tone in heterosexual sexual relationships? That makes women sound awfully passive. Some are, of course, but not all. And shouldn’t girls be encouraged to take an active role in negotiating the boundaries in their sexual relationships?]
3. Use careful aim when you pee. Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.
[Somebody? How about if the son pees in the floor he cleans it up? I’m a man, and I’ve been cleaning up after myself for a very long time. I think there’s an underlying suggestion here that females are the ones who clean toilets.]
4. Save money when you're young because you're going to need it some day.
[Okay, but shouldn’t daughters save money, too? Why is this advice being directed specifically to sons?]
5. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom. Now please go use them.
[And while you’re at it, how about you mop up your piss in the bathroom?]
6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.
[Children do not necessarily share their parents’ religious beliefs. Please respect that. If my parents had it their way, I would believe in a brand of Christianity that teaches people like me are worthy of death and hellfire. I rejected that, and I think I made the right choice. And if I want to pray, I’ll pray on my own terms and when I want to. So I’m not a follower. And I’m also not a leader. I sometimes share my thoughts, but I don’t claim to have ultimate answers so I’m not about to demand or expect anyone to follow me.]
7. Don't ever be a bully and don't ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, please defend yourself.
[I would also encourage boys who are bullied to defend themselves, but some boys are passive. They don’t fight back. It’s just not in their nature. Sometimes boys need others to protect them. When I was growing up, I was taught that boys defend themselves, and if a boy can’t defend himself, he’s not a “real boy” and therefore not worth defending. Let’s stop teaching boys that. It’s one of the reasons so many boys don’t ask for help. They’re taught that it’s shameful and unmanly to be a victim.]
8. Your knowledge and education is something that nobody can take away from you.
9. Treat women kindly. Forever is a long time to live alone and it's even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.
[Shouldn’t we all treat one another kindly? Why would a son specifically be told to treat women kindly? Shouldn’t he also treat men kindly? Shouldn’t daughters be told to treat others kindly? People sometimes say that boys shouldn’t hit girls. Why not say boys and girls shouldn’t hit…except on rare occasions when it’s necessary to defend themselves or someone else? And once again, this mother is assuming her son will have an exclusive sexual interest in women.]
10. Take pride in your appearance.
11. Be strong and tender at the same time.
[What if a boy isn’t strong? What if a boy is shy, insecure and easily hurt? I was a sensitive boy, and I was taught that boys who aren’t tough aren’t “real boys.” That didn’t make me tough. It made me feel ashamed, and it made me want to hide. I was taught that because I was a boy, I shouldn’t expect anyone to be gentle with me. That message had a horrible impact on me. I’m still living with the repercussions.]
12. A woman can do everything that you can do. This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.
[And men can do everything women can do. Men can be nurturing parent. Men can be good cooks. Men can decorator a house like nobody’s business. And some men look fabulous in a red dress.]
13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir" still go a long way.
14. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private". Please do not scratch them in public.
[Excuse me, but if your breast was itching or twisted up in your bra in a way that was causing you pain, I would not want you to suffer on my account. Please scratch and adjust as needed, and I’ll do the same, thank you. Balls are especially sensitive, and sometimes they need a little tender loving care. Being so prudish as to demand others suffer is not at all admirable in my book. And prudery is just another way of enforcing the gender binary. “Oh, we have to treat girls and boys differently, dress them differently, keep them covered, give them different roles and keep them separated because they have different parts.” Nuts to that.]
15. Peer pressure is a scary thing. Be a good leader and others will follow.
[Shouldn’t we encourage daughters to be good leaders, too? And what if you’re not a leader?]
16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.
[Wow! Again with the assumption that the son will have an exclusive sexual interest in females. Again we see the gender binary being strongly enforced. Yes, flowers are nice, especially when they’re unexpected, but why is it assumed that it should always be the guy who gives the flowers…to a girl?]
17. Be patriotic.
[But define that however you see fit. Sometimes patriotism means standing up to your government. Sometimes it means going against the flow. Sometimes it means dissent.]
18. Potty humor isn't the only thing that's humorous.
[True, but potty humor can be damn funny, and we could all use a good laugh now and then, so lighten up.]
19. Please choose your spouse wisely. My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.
[Don’t plan your son’s life for him. Let him do that. It is his life, after all. You may have a son-in-law and not a daughter-in-law. He may or may not have children. Your son could have a variety of romantic relationships with both men and women. And he may live by himself.]
20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.
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