My New Phone

A few weeks ago, I sent in an application for a subsidized cell phone from Assurance Wireless. One of those infamous “Obama phones,” the ones Right Wing nutters love to bitch about because they hate anything that helps the poor, elderly or disabled. They are so sure that it’s a big free government handout started by Obama. However, that’s total bullshit. Subsidized cell phone service is merely a continuation and evolution of the subsidized landline service that’s been available to the poor, elderly and disabled for decades. Times have changed. More people are using cell phones these days, so they decided to offer them to those who otherwise might not be able to afford them.

Something else to keep in mind is that this is not top of the line service. You do not get a smart phone with internet access. It doesn’t take pictures, or take your blood pressure, or tell you if you’re pregnant if you stick it in your urine stream. You can call people or text, and that’s it. You also have to give up the subsidy on your landline phone. You can have one or the other, but not both.

Mine came in the mail about a week ago. I can tell you that it was probably quite impressive 15 years ago. Today, not so much, but I don’t use the phone often, so this new phone should meet my needs.

I have been putting off activating the thing because new technology intimidates me. The phone I got would probably seem ancient to many, but I’ve never had a cell phone, and I feared there would be complications in the setup procedure. Well, I finally found the nerve to activate the thing today, and I was right. Setting it up wasn’t so easy. Thankfully, I’ve not yet canceled my landline service, so I was able to use my old phone to call Assurance Wireless. The first person I talked to also had trouble activating my new phone. I was on the line with her for over an hour. Every few minutes, she would assure me that she was still working, and I’d say “okay.” Meanwhile, my head was beginning to split from the stress.

The assistant decided that she was taking so long that a little chat would be in order, so she asked me about my 4^th of July plans. I told her I didn’t have any. She seemed surprised, so I told her I was a homebody. I could have told her that I hardly ever leave the house except to buy food and supplies, and that I’ve even taken to pacing back and forth in my apartment for an hour a day just to get a little exercise. That probably would have sounded a little crazy, but I am getting a free “Obama phone” for a reason.

She then asked me if I had been to the beach this summer. When I said no, she said, “I thought there was a beach in California.” A beach. I told her she was right, there is “a beach” in California but that I live in the desert. Rather than remind her that I was getting a free “Obama phone” because I’m poor, and I don’t have the money to take off to the beach every time I feel like it, or that I don’t have a car and that traveling is tricky for me even when I have money because I have social phobia, I informed this person that I had been to Yosemite. She was confused at first, but then she said, “Oh, is that like Yellowstone?” To keep things simple, I said, “Yes.” They are both national parks with bears, so Yosemite is, in a way, “like” Yellowstone. She happily said, “I’ve been there!”

Throughout all of this, she periodically referred to me as “ma’am.” I never bothered to correct her because I simply no longer care if the people I talk to on the phone know if I’m a man or a woman, but she must have looked at my name near the end of our exchange and realized her mistake. She felt the need to apologize at that point. I told her it was quite all right. She then told me that she didn’t know how to get my phone to work and transferred me to a new assistant.

Thankfully, the first assistant informed the new one of the problems with the new phone, so I didn’t have to explain everything again. The first assistant must have also told the new assistant about how she had called me “ma’am” more than a dozen times in the previous hour because the new assistant kept calling me “sir” over and over again. She even started calling me “Sir Gary,” and she was finally able to activate my new phone. So not only do I have a new cell phone, I was knighted by a representative of Assurance Wireless.