Being Gay Can Drive You Crazy by Gary Cottle

Back when I was a student at WVU, I took a psychology class taught by a brilliant educator and psychotherapist by the name of Phillip Comer. I can remember vividly how Dr. Comer would tell us the barrier that separates rational thought from psychosis is paper thin. He told us that, if we lacked moral integrity and conscience, we could very quickly, and with very little effort, drive one of our fellow classmates over the edge. To illustrate his point, he asked us to imagine that a student had come to class a few minutes late, and he asked us to imagine that before he got there, we had decided to play a little trick on him. The game would go like this: Dr. Comer would continue with his lecture, but he would pepper his speech with a key word or phrase, and when those of us who were in on the joke heard this word or phrase, we would laugh hysterically, even though nothing funny had been said, but only for a minute, and then we would abruptly stop. Every time Dr. Comer repeated this word or phrase, we were to do this. He said that the person who was being subjected to this experiment would at first be confused, and after he witnessed us laughing for reasons that escaped him a couple of times, he would most likely ask a neighbor why everyone laughed. This neighbor was supposed to simply say with a poker face, “No one laughed.” This would most likely cause our unfortunate classmate’s confusion to blossom into full-blown paranoia, and he would most likely begin to panic. He would probably ask others what was going on, and they were to simply tell him that no one laughed. Dr. Comer told us that by the end of class, this person could be so disturbed hospitalization may be in order. All it takes is a few inexplicable experiences and we could be ready for a straightjacket.

I have often thought of what I learned in Dr. Comer’s class when I have considered the layers of stress that come along with being gay in a straight world, and I have concluded that it’s a miracle that we’re not all stark raving mad.

By and large, we are raised by straight parents, and most of our other relatives are usually straight--grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. And we are raised with the expectation that we will be straight, too. Generally speaking, no one tells us that we might at some point begin to experience homosexual desires. Instead, we are regularly and routinely told in a thousand different ways that one day the opposite sex will turn us on. So we wait for it to happen. Sometimes we even try to force it to happen. The concept of homosexual desire is so foreign to many that they don’t even recognize what’s happening when puberty hits and the “wrong” sex begins to draw their eye. Many find that they’re attracted to classmates and friends of the same sex, but because that’s so unexpected, they don’t even realize that they’re attracted. This leads to confusion and bewilderment.

Puberty is a difficult adjustment for everybody, but there are structures in place to help heterosexual kids make the transition. There are sex education classes, talks with parents and adults, dances sponsored by schools and churches, and teenagers are permitted to date members of the opposite sex, usually with adult supervision at first. And kids are bombarded with examples of heterosexual courtships, couplings, and unions. Movies, books, magazines, TV shows, and songs often depict heterosexual romance. But when I was growing up, gay kids had very little in the way of guidance, and the situation hasn’t really improved all that much. Even now, gay kids are usually left to figure themselves out on their own, and then they have to figure out how to find a mate on their own.

Most gay people end up hiding their attractions, at least for a while. In the beginning, they hardly understand themselves, so it would take too much effort to try to explain what they’re feeling to others. But hiding isn’t always an option. For many gay people, if not most, being gay is more involved than simply being attracted to their own sex. Gay people often tend to be just a little bit different from their peers in a number of ways. They have different tastes, different interests, different inclinations. And this is a serious issue when you’re young because teenage culture is often incredibly conformist. All teens have to deal with peer pressure, but when you’re constantly being told that you don’t walk right, talk right, dress right, act right, it’s hard not to think that something about you is essentially wrong.

Being different can draw unwanted attention. And this attention can come in the form of hazing that can range from mild to severe…everything from a few jabs and taunts, to belittlement and ostracism, to outright physical attacks resulting in a bloody nose, a busted lip, a black eye, or a broken bone, or more serious injuries, or even death. Many young gay people, if not most, feel vulnerable to harassment even if they have never been attacked. This effects them in many subtle ways. And young gay people don’t simply fear being judged by other teenagers. They get signals from the greater world that they’re not really welcome. They hear about straight people angrily resisting gay rights. They’re told that same-sex marriage could destroy civilization as we know it. They’re told that they can’t participate in the Boy Scouts because their kind can’t be trusted around little boys. And many religious leaders proclaim that gay sex, gay desire, gay love is a sin.

Aside from psychology, I also studied religion and philosophy while in school, and I focused a lot of attention on the writings of the German-American philosopher and theologian Paul Tillich. Tillich said that we live in a state of estrangement from the Ground of Being--God. And he said that we long to overcome this estrangement, and that this longing is the root of love in all it’s forms: family love, the love of friends, and erotic love, as well as agape, which is the perfect love of God. He broadly defined love as the urge toward the reunion of the separated. When we have sex, we are literally coming together, and when there is deeper emotional connections involved, the reunion is amplified exponentially. Through our attachment, affection, loyalty, commitment, and sexual expressions, we experience instances where we overcome the limitations of the nature of our existence. There is a spark of the divine in our love for one another. So imagine being told by a person thought to have some authority in the matter--a minister, a priest, or the Pope--that the very thing that can bring you closer to God, to spiritual enlightenment is evil. Talk about driving someone crazy.

Gay people also have to contend with those who wish to believe that homosexual desire doesn’t even exist, or if it does, it’s so rare as to be inconsequential. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, proclaimed a few years ago that there were no gay people in his country. This was, of course, laughable, but when you yourself happen to be gay, it can be deeply disturbing to hear another human being question your very existence. Although most would not go so far as Ahmadinejad, gay people are often told in a number of ways that they don’t really matter. When I was young, we often didn’t see ourselves represented in movies and TV shows, and even though we’re not nearly as invisible as we used to be, we’re still underrepresented. For instance, the hugely popular Twilight series, both the books and the movies, take us into a world were simply no one is gay. Not one soul. People generally don’t talk about being gay. And when people do discuss the matter, they often do so with an air of hostility and contention. This can cause a gay person to feel isolated, marginalized, defensive, and lonely. And if this weren’t enough, there are others who tell gay people that they aren’t really gay…they’re just confused, or they just got turned around some way. Being subjected to such things can cause mental illness. You don’t exist. Well, you might exist, but you’re so insignificant we don’t have to worry about you. Besides, you’re not really attracted to your own sex. You just think you are. Gee, this is starting to sound more and more like Dr. Comer’s hypothetical experiment all the time.

It’s a wonder that any of us can come to terms with being anything other than heterosexual, but imagine that you, as a gay person, are able to figure yourself out. And imagine that you accept and embrace who you are. Imagine that you find the will to reject societal disapproval. Then you have to decide if you want to come out. This can be a very traumatic process even for those who are happy with their sexuality. I have heard stories of people who have had to take a lot of heat even from supposedly liberal parents. Back in my student days at WVU, I was a member of BiGLM--bisexual, gay, and lesbian Mountaineers. During one meeting, our featured speaker was a woman from the Pflag organization--parents, friends and family of lesbians and gays. This woman had a gay son who had come out to her and her husband several years before, and she tried to explain to us what we might expect if we came out to our parents. She talked about how most parents of gay people raise their children with the expectation that they’ll lead straight lives. And she said that it’s more than a mere shock when a parent finds out that their child is not straight. Many parents of gay people have to go through a mourning process when they find out the truth. The person they thought their child was has to be laid to rest. It’s like this imagined person, this person they projected onto their child, has died, and letting go of that imagined individual is every bit as painful as burying a real flesh and blood child. She talked about how she could burst into tears at any moment for months after her son came out to her. She talked about not being able to sleep, or eat, and how it felt like her son had been taken away from her and replaced with a stranger.

I appreciated this woman’s honesty. I was impressed that she had went through all of that and had become a dedicated member of Pflag, and she had been inspired to become a public speaker, too. After she left, we all huddled together and talked about how we wished our own parents were as reasonable and understanding. I accept the truth of what this woman said. And I accept it as simply one of the ways of the world. But on another level, hearing this woman’s story was profoundly disturbing. I thought of how by coming out to straight people who want to pretend that you are just like they are, especially to close family members such a parent, you are, in a way, committing murder. You are killing the person they thought you were. After hearing this woman talk, it became clear to me why some straight people act as if you are causing them pain when you come out. Not even parents have the right to project a false identity onto their children, but, nevertheless, they do. And so you as a gay person are faced with a dilemma: you can either continue to lie to your parents, and thus spare their feelings, or you can come clean and allow them to know the real you, even though you know that by doing so, you will be killing off the baby they thought they had, that imagined heterosexual baby that exists in their head. If you do come out, you can only pray that they will eventually come to realize that knowing the real you is better than holding onto a phantom.

Gay people are often thrilled when they finally learn that they are part of a community. There’s nothing like going to a bar, or a club, or an organization and for the first time in your life finding that you are among the majority. That is empowering. But it’s a bitter disappointment to discover that the stress of growing up gay in a straight world has left many in your community seriously damaged. It might seem counterintuitive, but the gay community is riddled with homophobia. People want to feel like they belong, and gay people are no different. So they often want to cast themselves as being more “normal” than their gay peers. It’s as if they’re still back in high school, and they’re afraid that someone will notice that they carry their books in a funny way. Even though they’re happy to find a group that they can belong to, finally, they can be more than a little paranoid to find themselves among people others--such close family members and friends--despise. So they become hypercritical of what they see, and they make fun and belittle what they think of as “too gay.” Gay people are often still trying to survive on their own in a hostile environment, even when they’re in a group of other gay people. They often simply don’t know how to give one another support. And since they generally hide their sexuality through middle school and high school, young gay adults tend to have no dating skills. When I was young, many of us didn’t even try to relate to one another on a deeper level. We simply come together for the purpose of using the body of a fellow gay person for quick sexual release so we could disappear again into the straight world. And when committed relationships were forged, they were often very short-lived.

One of the major reasons gay relationships often fail, I think--aside from the simple fact the people involved lack the know-how to make the relationship work because they were given little instruction and raised without many role models--is the external pressure. It goes back to what that woman from Pflag said about expectations. When you fail to live up to certain expectations, you upset people. When straight people come together, their unions are generally celebrated. But for gays, finding someone special can also mean trouble. That’s because if you’re a guy, it’s hard to go on pretending to be straight if you have a boyfriend. Finding a partner means there’s this other person who will often be with you, a person that wasn’t there before, a person others will notice, a person that will eventually have to be explained. Even if your close friends and family know you’re gay, there’s nothing like seeing you with a guy to make it inescapably real to them. Doing things like bring your boyfriend home for Thanksgiving for the first time can be extremely awkward. There will sometimes be tension in the air, if not blatant hostility. Gay people sometimes worry about how their employers will react if they find out they have a lover of the same sex. And it often doesn’t matter that the employer is liberal and accepting. You still have to come out, because you are generally assumed to be straight, or at least treated as if you are straight, until you say you’re not. Many don’t feel the need to come out until they have a significant other, so that means when you find someone to love, you have just found someone who is going to stir things up, at least temporarily. And many wonder if they need the aggravation.

Is it any wonder that many gay relationships fail? Or that there is such a high rate of suicide among gays? And that a large number of gay people suffer from a long laundry list of psychological disorders--everything from depression to obsession to drug abuse to anorexia? All of it stems from the stress of being gay in a straight world. The ironic thing is those who denounce homosexuality often point to our alcohol and drug addiction, our suicide rate, our failed relationships, and our sexual recklessness that can lead to HIV and other STDs as proof that being gay is bad news.

It’s a thousand wonders we’re not all crazy. But we’re not. And somehow most of us do manage to make friends, and sometimes love does blossom in our midst. As I said, it’s a miracle. Maybe we were just meant to be here. Maybe we were meant to be a part of the human race. And maybe the crazy ones are those who would have us disappear so they wouldn’t have to think for five minutes and deal with us.