Single

I’m 46--almost 47--and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been on a proper date. I have, however, been in love, but I elected not to tell the young man I was in love with. I didn’t even tell him I was gay. And eventually he moved away and married a girl. At this point, I’m not sure I would want to have a relationship. I’m very much a loner, and I’m very independent. But I think I would have loved to have had a boyfriend when I was younger, and if I had, that may have changed the direction of my life.

The way I see it no one owes me a relationship. The fact that I wasn’t able to date when I was younger is in part, probably a large part, because of the homophobic culture in which I lived. However, I did meet some young men that I liked. Some of them were gay or bi. Some of them I’m not sure about, including the one I fell in love with. But I was very cautious, and I also thought of myself as unlovable, so I never pursued any of these guys. I never consciously let them know I was interested in them romantically.

I’m a very difficult person to get close to. I recognize that. I recognize the fact that I have played a part in the way my life has turned out. I also recognize that luck has a hand in the way things have turned out, too. What if I had went to work at KFC at sixteen rather than McDonald’s? What if I had went to the University of North Carolina rather than WVU? I may have met someone. I may have had my boyfriend. And if so, I might still be with him. Who knows?

I just don’t buy the idea that gay or bi men are generally self-centered, self-serving, untrustworthy scum because none of them have beat a path to my door to give me their hand in marriage and offered me just the kind of life and relationship I want. If they all pass me by, that is their right, and it’s not like I’ve put out the welcome sign.