Condemned by Gary Cottle

When I was young, I didn’t feel like I fit in. This was especially true when I was among groups of boys. These all-male situations where any hint of femininity was forbidden terrified me. I feared I would be exposed. I feared the other boys would realize I wasn’t a “real boy” and turn on me. My muscles would become tense. I would get massive headaches. My palms would sweat. And I could think of nothing else except my intense and overpowering desire for the experience to be over. And I feared that I’d one day be thrust into an all-male environment from which I could not escape.

When I was a teenager, it was required by law that I register for the draft. The draft had been abandoned by then, but the government wanted to keep track of all the teenage boys in the country in case the draft was reinstated. Filling out that card and handing it in at the post office almost caused me to pass out. Every war movie I had ever seen was harsh and ugly, and the men were hard and mean. The young men I met who were in the military seemed rough and ready for a fight. Being in a war in and of itself is scary enough, but I was sure I wouldn’t even be able to survive living in close quarters with the guys who supposedly would be on my side.

I also feared going to prison for the very same reasons. I had no plans on breaking the law, but I knew that throughout history people had been incarcerated for merely being perceived as a threat…to the government, the established order, whatever. And considering every where I turned I ran into extreme homophobia, I figured I could easily be thrown into prison for some trumped up reason and no one would care. I knew that at one time being gay was an actual crime. I think there was a part of me that was convinced I would one day end up in prison, and I dreaded that day. I lived like a boy who was condemned.