Fear

I have been in love, but I have never had a boyfriend. I’ve went home with a few guys, but I’ve never been on a proper date. I’ve not had sex (with another person) in a very long time. However, I am a very sexual person. I’m nearing 50, and I’m still as lusty as I was when I was 18. I also have a romantic side. I love the idea of having a special friend, a confidant, a partner who really gets you and stands by your side. Even though I don’t have that, never had that, it thrills me to see others enjoying that type of relationship. But I have PTSD and extreme social phobia, and my fear of people overrides my desire for physical and emotional intimacy. I keep my distance because I just can’t shake the belief that something bad will happen if I get too close. I’m aware that this fear is irrational, but it’s a part of me.

I am not alone. I know that many others live in fear, fear of intimacy in particular. I have also noticed that some try to cope with their fear by exalting it. They want to present it as a noble character trait. They want to believe they are morally superior because they are extra cautious and slow to get involved. They advocate the idea that it’s somehow dirty, and reckless and irresponsible to have sex unless it’s with someone you love deeply. They frown on casual dating and attractions they deem superficial. They are quick to warn others about broken hearts, and disease and the supposed horrors of being shallow. Of course, a measured degree of caution is a good thing, but I think there is a danger in holding fear in high esteem.

It is true that if you never get in a car, you’re not likely to die in a car accident. If you never get on a plane, you don’t have to worry about the engines failing and the plane plunging to the ground. But if you avoid these dangers, you’re never going to go anywhere. And if you avoid people and intimacy, your chance to experience love and passion will be greatly diminished.

Henry David Thoreau said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

We’re all going to die regardless of how cautious we are, so I think we should live as large as we can while we can. I understand that some people will not be able to overcome their fear. I certainly haven’t been able to overcome mine. But if I relished it, I think it would control me even more than it does. And I also think it’s important to remember that fear is like a virus. You can spread it to other people. But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want others to be afraid like I am. I want them to enjoy their lives in a way that I haven’t.