Nothin' Wrong With That

I remember when I was about 9 years old, some distant relatives came to visit my grandparents. Among them was a young man about 25 or 30. Normally I was intensely shy, especially around people I didn’t know, but this man seemed different. He seemed nicer and gentler than the men I was used to being around. Somehow I ended up sitting on his lap.

He allowed me to do this, and shockingly, no one else said anything to me. No one told me to get down. No one told me to stop bothering him. No one told me that I was being girlish. Normally, a “big boy” like me would have been scolded for seeking that kind of affection, especially from a man. But that day, I was allowed to be the gentle boy I was. We were all out on my grandparents’ front porch down on Laurel Creek. He was on one end of the porch swing, and I sat on his lap. I liked doing this. I felt so comforted sitting on his lap.

I remember the next day when we went back to my grandparents’ house, the distant cousins were still there, including the young man that I had been drawn to. But in the interim, I must have come to the conclusion that I had crossed the line the day before, and I was now intensely embarrassed. My face would blush red hot whenever I even so much as looked at this man. Even now when I think about it, there’s this twinge of embarrassment like I did something that was horribly shameful. But I was just a kid who wanted affection, especially from a man, something I hardly ever got. There was nothing wrong with that.