I'm a randy little devil. I can remember standing on the steps in front of the student union at WVU in the middle of the day when thousands of young men were heading to their next class, and it was just a little bit of heaven for me. I wanted them all, and in my imagination, I had them all. In my head, I'm a wild and crazy guy. And that has not changed as I've gotten older.
But I also have PTSD and extreme social phobia. It's hard for me to ask someone what time it is, much less ask a stranger for sex. And my discomfort around others is super obvious. People know they make me uncomfortable, so most of the time, they keep their distance. Back when I had one night stands, it was sometimes difficult for me to climax because I couldn't relax. It's hard to have an orgasm if your body is reacting as if you're under threat of an immediate deadly attack. I remember one partner stopping and saying, "You look terrified. It's like you'd rather be anyplace else but here." Well, he was right, but it wasn't anything personal. He was a cute and adorable boy. I wanted to have sex with him, but I couldn't relax.
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